In The Moment

February this year I had a hospital visit to have a lump checked out, I have a history of recurring cysts only this time it felt different to others in the past. As you would I got up in my head about it, I’d had a tough few weeks emotionally as it was with the sudden passing of our beloved puss cat and then to find this new lump which over 2 weeks got considerably bigger really started to do my head in.

I KNEW IT WAS MY THOUGHTS

They were spiralling around and for the most part I did my best to talk myself round – “you’ve been here before, you can deal with this” etc but it still didn’t stop the “what if...” seeping in.

After initial examination they decided I was going to have the full works, mammogram, ultrasound and aspiration. I sat with 2 other ladies waiting to be called through for the first lot of tests. I could feel the anxiety welling up in me but being half clothed in a hospital gown and wanting to rip my face mask off and get outside was not an option – beside it was too damn cold - would have the given the workmen outside something to look at!

It wasn’t necessarily the thought of the tests. I’ve been through them before I knew what to expect more it was what the 2 lovely ladies were talking about. They were talking about their experience, both had had heart attacks which led to discovering lumps and then leading to a subsequent cancer diagnosis. I started to freak out inside listening to them. The one was obviously in some discomfort as she said she'd just had a biopsy which "felt like being hit with a nail gun". The other lady turned and looked at us both and said "nothing like having your tits nail gunned first thing in the morning!" at which point we all dissolved into hysterics.

AND THEN IT HIT ME.

Look at what you’re DOING to yourself, listening to these 2 amazing ladies, look at how you’re making yourself FEEL. Nothing had happened to me sat there other than listening to what they were saying and I was freaking out at my own thought process. I had spiralled my thoughts to such an extent I had set off a cascade of all manner of physiological sensations in my body which were unpleasant, all done with the power of thought, how freaking amazing is that?! And it was all remedied by a fit of hysterical laughter.

A REALISATION...

The following morning on the way into work I had another realisation of my visit. The 2 ladies chatting to each other, the wonderful hysterics, neither of them had a negative outlook; neither of them had any insecurity about the next potential hurdle they were facing waiting for their tests. Despite what they may have been feeling on the inside what shone out from both of them was just being in the moment, enjoying the laugh they were having and encouraging each other with “we’ll get through this latest c**p”. I had a smile on my face and tears down my cheeks and the most amazing feeling and wished them well and sent thanks for such a valuable reminder.

As for me, turned out I had 2 cysts pushing against each other hence it felt different. They were aspirated and are no more, for that I am truly grateful because for some attending the clinic that day they may have been given different news. I intend to let go and be in the moment as much as possible.