What Would You Do?

What would you do if your best friend told you they wanted to kill themselves?

Take a moment to really think about it.

Dig deep.

Ruminate if you will.

Just don’t gloss over it.

It’s important.

There are thousands of people, if not more, who face this scenario and have no clue what to do about it.

HIGH SCHOOL FRIGHT

I found myself in this very situation when I was 16 and in High School in the UK.

My best friend told me she felt she wanted to end it all. I thought she was kidding until I looked her in the eye and really saw the haunted look in her face she had a heaviness in her body, a heavy sighing tone in her voice. 

Sh*t I thought she’s serious.

The year before I’d already lost a good friend due to a freak accident and I was still missing him hugely. The suddenness of his passing can still create a huge void – if I let it.

But this was different. My friend PURPOSELY wanted to end it all. I thought I knew who she was, we shared so much and now she was sharing the one thing I didn’t want to hear. As I write this it is January 2022, this event happened some 35 years ago but it is something that pops up from time to time, especially now reading all the latest stats which quite frankly can be frightening.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I remember I was quiet for a moment before I suggested speaking to someone, maybe a trusted teacher. She rolled her eyes at me. “I don’t want to be committed” she said “I don’t want to talk about it with a stranger, or a teacher, I don’t want to live. Period. I have told you because I can’t live with the feeling anymore, I can’t live with the thoughts and voices. I have told you because I trust you”.

I felt like I’d been hit with a piece of two by four. I was 16 for freaks sake what the hell did I know?

HOW?

For some strange and unknown reason that I still can’t explain today I said something that just came into my head. I said “how do you want to do it?”

Even now I can’t believe I said it. It is NOT the way to go.

I remember her looking at me and for a brief moment there was something in her eyes, I didn’t know what it was but I saw something.

She smirked at me “Oh I see you’re trying to change things are you, you’re trying to hit me with something that’ll make me change my mind in an instant and all that crap”

“No” I said “I genuinely want to know, how do you want to do it?”

At the same time I was thinking to myself “what in God’s name are you doing?” I certainly wasn’t thinking straight and it felt like it wasn’t me speaking. I just blurted out what came into my head.

My friend looked at me “you’re serious aren’t you?”

“Yes” I said whilst thinking no I don’t want to damn well know.

She then proceeded to tell me all the ways she had considered. She had certainly given it a LOT of thought. Each one she told me she also had an answer as to why not.

A light bulb went on as I listened.

I listened even more hardly daring to breathe so I didn’t miss a word. She went on for a good half hour I didn’t know there were so many ways. Bear in mind this was a time before the internet I had no clue where she’d got her information from other than a library and I was pretty damn sure they didn’t have a book titled “101 ways on how to kill yourself” sitting on the shelf.

“You bitch!” she screamed at me.

I couldn’t help but smile. Each one she told me she also had an answer as to why not. I’d cottoned on to that little glimmer of hope. THAT was what was in her eyes.

Instead of someone talking at her or to her she needed someone to LISTEN and to shut up and listen.

At the same time I’d said something that went against the grain “how do you want to do it?” like it was some kind of shock tactic to wake her up I don’t know what it was.

VERBALLY VOMITTING

I gave her the time to empty her head, she verbally threw up over me. When she stopped she just sobbed. I held her tight and let her cry until she emptied everything out. I’d never heard another human sob so deeply it made me ache.

“I don’t think I really want to do it” she said “I’ve been so scared and thought everyone would think I was a total crackpot”. I told her she was a crackpot. Again, not a route to go down but I was 16 I said what came to mind.

We ended up speaking to her Mum. She was given the help she needed. It took a lot of courage for her to do what she did. Trust was the first step. She was caught in what I called the “I don’t want to but I want to” state. She was crying out for help but didn’t know how to reach someone without being labelled. I’m glad in some respects that she told me. Sometimes I think otherwise. Would I be any different if she hadn’t told me? Who knows? Although I like to think maybe it has helped me become the person I am.

I have no idea where she is now. Although we kept in touch as we went out into the big wide world we slowly drifted apart. Sometimes friendships are but a moment in time. Sometimes they last a lifetime. It is what it is. The last I heard of her was 6 years ago she was blissfully happy having married for a second time. I hope wherever she may be now she is still blissfully happy.

If ever someone confides their deepest darkest fears to you do them and you a big favor LISTEN and LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. They have taken a huge step, the least you can do is be present.

And if you or anyone you know should need it there is always help available.

UK - https://www.samaritans.org

USA - https://samaritanshope.org/

https://www.who.int/health-topics/suicide