Hot Mess

Last night I was a disheveled hot mess.

My breathing was rapid and deep

I was trembling

My body felt like a bolt of lightning had passed through it

It left weird sensations running through my body the kind of weird never experienced before

I thought I was going to pass out

I’ve never passed out in bed before

My heart was racing as my breathing became even deeper

My muscles seemed to contract involuntarily

My skin started tingling

I felt my eyes roll upwards as I gasped

Then it happened...

I felt myself go to the edge

Then?

I pulled myself back and told myself to stop being so darn stupid

I had woken up having a nocturnal panic attack

What did you think was going on?!

Unlike an orgasm (that’s what you were thinking right?) nocturnal panic attacks can last a few minutes but it may take a while to settle back down and go back to sleep.

Apparently nocturnal panic attacks can be quite common in people who experience daytime attacks but I’ve not had a daytime panic or anxiety attack since kicking them to the curb two years ago. Yes, I’ve had anxious nervy feelings, I’m human, but I’ve not had a full on attack.

So what triggered this one?

For me I can only surmise a recurring dream over the past few weeks. A dream of being chased by wolves and it’s one I’ve had recur through my life. I’ve been going through a lot changes, I’ve questioned a lot of societal expectations. Whilst dreams of wolves are open to discussion for me wolves can symbolize freedom, honesty, adventure, excitement, independence when I reflect back this same dream always appeared before some major change where I stuck the middle finger up to society and forged my own path and followed my heart rather than my head.

Change

Six years ago I decided to follow my heart after having the same dream over and over resulting in some serious sleepless nights. I’m glad I did.  Now it’s happening again and now I’m looking at what else needs to change I’ve changed my inner environment for the better, my body is healing now to look outwards and lean in to what needs changing there.

For me this kind of dream always represents some imminent change and it’s usually a big one. Where this will lead I do not know. All I know is I will lean into it and listen to my heart.

What happens when you listen to your heart?

More importantly, do you follow it?